Eye of a Needle

Posted by Dan Akinlolu in Stories - Humorous on 1-7-12

You could mock an old man because you know he is close to his grave. But do not mock a young boy because you don’t know what he could become.

I am the word carver. I forge words, I make words, and I even live and sleep with words. Now I want to tell a story, may my tongue never twist. I want to play the game of words, may I never lose. May I command words and they would jump at your face.

Jade and Kade are neighbours (they grew up together anyway) but not too good neighbours … not really good friends either … but a little below a cat and mouse relationship.

Why?

Well, Kade was a good cook, a really very good one. So much that everyone marvelled, wondering if he was a woman in man’s skin. You know when a man can cook better than a woman, he could be an aspirant for the throne of a kitchen goddess. Anyway, Jade was worse than Kade, doing far more badly. I mean he was more stupid and lazy than a pig on a vacation.

Jade was so lazy that he couldn’t impregnate his pretty wife. Now tell me, what would a woman be doing with such man under the same roof? Jade was such a sluggard that he would sleep from morning till night snoring like a wild pig, and saying there was a lion on the road that would kill him if he goes out.

Even a newborn baby labours for his meal. You ask how? Babies cry when they are hungry, and tears on their own are enough labour.

Anyway, Jade was lazy and that was it … but Kade was hard working, really very hard working. One day Jade’s wife came crying and begging Kade to come talk to her lazy husband, that the burden was actually too much for her to bear. Kade took pity on her.

You know sometimes in life, some individuals don’t deserve what they get. Or better put, people don’t know the value of what they have until they lose it. Jade was of a lesser value than his costly wife. Jade had a pretty wife. She was so very beautiful that everyman wished she were his. When she came to Kade for help, Kade insisted he would date her if Jade didn’t change.

Of course Kade knew from his heart that it was difficult for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. He knew outright that Jade cannot change, after all they were childhood friends. Kade told the communal jury his intentions on Jade’s wife, and they approve it.

When Kade came to Jade and advised him about hard work, and this and that, and bla … bla … bla, Jade said, “ Riddles! Riddles! Something is present and another is absent. Something exists because the opposite is absent. Darkness has no meaning unless there is light. How do you know there is nothing? It is because there is something!

“You know I am lazy, because you are hardworking. It is the occurrence of one that indicates the presence or the absence of another. Life operates in binary opposition.”

That very day, Jade’s wife packed her luggage and moved immediately to Kade’s house because of Jade’s “Theory of Binary Opposition.” Jade never seemed worried about it, but he was silent and meditative. He never stops sleeping but once in a while he goes about plucking apples. Meanwhile, Jade’s wife was really happy living with Kade, and eating his delicious foods.

Everyone kept saying “Ah! Kade the cook has claimed Jade’s wife! What a beautiful match they make!”

One evening, when Kade wasn’t in the house (he went to the rich men’s club) there was a knock on the door. Jade’s ex-wife came opening the door. She was shocked to see Jade standing by the threshold, smelling of apples, with tears hanging in his eyes.

“My wife please come home,” Jade said looking weary and weak.

“No. I am not. Don’t you see how more beautiful I look staying with Kade? You are a lazy man, Jade!”

“My wife I have learnt my lesson. I am now selling apples at the market.” Jade replied. He showed an empty basket and the coins he earned for the day, as a proof.

“Not all poor men are lazy, but lazy men are poor.” Jade replied, falling on his knees.

It was then Kade came back and saw the two by the door. He chased Jade away, and asked the wife to never see him again.

Kade was baffled. He couldn’t sleep with thinking about whether Jade had actually changed. If he had changed then there would be a big problem because the community jury would ask Kade to leave Jade’s wife. Kade decided he would set Jade up.

Two days later, Kade accused Jade of stealing his delicious food. Jade was shocked when he saw an order from the community jury to appear at a panel.

The panel asked Kade to explain himself. He told them when he was cooking, he caught Jade red handed, sniffing the air for the sweet aroma of his food and eating an apple with it.

“Therefore I want him jailed!” Kade insisted.

“It was true, my lord, that I smell the aroma of his food from my house, and I chew my apples while sniffing. But I ask him not to take vengeance for it is not a good thing.”

“My lord, a lazy man is nothing but poverty, frustration and broken relationships. He deserves a heavily guarded metallic jail!”

“I may be poor, but I am no longer a lazy man!” Jade retorted.

They argued and shouted at one another.

The judge looked around and said, “This is an absurd case, and it requires an absurd solution. Kade?”

“Yes my lord.”

“Get a get good strong whip …” the Judge paused and glanced at Kade, who was really excited.

“ … and because Jade smells your food, you shall flog his shadow in the sun till the shadow bleeds. That is my sentence.

“And give him back his wife. He is no longer a lazy man.”

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